Pursuing Your Happy

Since Fashion Week of 2015, I hadn't gone a night with out praying that God would get me to New York; "somehow, some way," I would say. I remember lying in my hotel room looking to the ceiling, just saying "Thank you" to God for the few days I got to experience in New York. I felt so alive, I'd come on this trip, alone and somehow I felt a "childlike" happy. You know, that happy that isn't driven by outside forces, it's solely based on things that set you free. I remember during my stay, there was a brunch spot I wore out because one of my boujie friends put me on to Eggs Benedict and their version of it was liiiiiiiiife. I'm sure the other restaurant goers probably thought I was some chic weirdo, (I had to make it clear, that I was chic, just putting that out there). No audience needed, with each bite of my Eggs Benedict was this goofy dance I like to do when I eat bomb food.

While I can say the food, access to fashion shows I'd once only DREAMED of going to and being in a city that made me feel like the black Carrie Bradshaw brought me this happiness; I know it was something more. It was more so my purpose for being in the city and the pride of knowing that this thing, this passion, is what got me to where I want to be, even it is just for a weekend.

Truth is, my magazine brought me a child like happiness, until I let outside influences effect me; the main one being money. The minute I felt like my magazine had become more of a tax because I was reaping no financial rewards, I let it go and with it, I let go an outlet that not only made me happy but was getting me closer to my dreams, whether I noticed it at the time or not.

In high-school, against my better judgement, I decided to take a coding class even though I really wanted to take newspaper. I remember thinking that this was a good idea because technology was growing into a profitable industry. Well, one day in class my teacher told us the numbers 1 and 0 could make letters and I realized, "Hell nawl, to the nawl nawl nawl, this aint for me." Nothing about that class made me happy, nor did it make sense to me lol and to make matters worse, the instructor of the class shut my dreams of becoming a fashion journalist down stating, "Good luck with that, they don't make much money" and proceeded to laugh. I knew her statement was right though and while most people would have been discouraged to pursue their dream career further, still knowing it wouldn't be lucrative, they would have let it go, right? Instead, this pushed me to use my good sense, drop the class and enroll in Newspaper, I would later become the editor.

I am now in New York, where I moved to pursue a career in journalism and PR; in the mean time, I work in retail to make ends meet and Freelance. Unfortunately, I lost my childlike happiness in pursuit of my dream job; to the point where lunch breaks were synonymous with venting sessions to my mother, where I'd just cry. The option to go home has always been there; however, I know in my gut it would be a step back into something more "comfortable," so I knew that it was something inside troubling me, not the exterior but I couldn't put my finger on it. One day my mother got fed up with the pity parties and sob sessions and told me, "You're losing yourself. You used to be so happy and no money when you were working on your magazine but you were genuinely happy. Money isn't going to make you happy, a better job isn't going to make you happy. You need to go back to being the boss that you were." She then went on to tell me that I was blessed; blessed to have parents that are so supportive and willing to help me, blessed to have a circle of supportive friends, blessed to even have a vision, blessed to have a home. Honestly, I was embarrassed, embarrassed that I'd been looking at my glass half-empty a everyday.

Since our conversation my purpose here in New York has changed. My purpose is now, finding my happy and using the many opportunities in this city, filled with opportunity, to use what makes me happy in order to further my career. I'm quickly learning that when you chase money instead of chasing your dreams, you're traveling on a path toward losing yourself, because opposed to fulfilling your purpose your motive has simply become money, an object that can honestly be taken away at any time. When God blesses you with a gift or vision that brings irrepressible joy, you cherish it and hone it, because that is a light only YOU can dim.

We spoke on the topic of "child like happy," so here are just a few things that me happy when I was a child: singing, drawing, writing, new clothes, food and riding in the passenger side of my dad's whip. What are some hobbies or things that made you grin from ear-to-ear as a child?